blazing non-binary

Orgasms

I remember my first orgasm.
I was 8 years old and had just finished rubbing my genitals against the side of my mattress. It was quick and it was a surprise and when I stood up straight and looked at the space my pelvis had just occupied, the sheet was wet. I ran to my bedroom door and closed it quickly before my family would see what I had done. It had felt so good and I wanted to savour that moment on my own before I would have to eventually remove the sheet from my bed and hand to my mother to wash.
From that moment, I have had thousands of orgasms. Some of them by my own two hands’ doing, some by my vibrator’s doing, some at the hands of men, some at the hands of womxn and others at the pure memory or thought of a heated moment in the past.

Let’s discuss first what an orgasm is.
When your body is sexually aroused the muscles in your body and that of your genitals tightens and the nerves expands. When you pay attention to that sexual arousal by either playing with yourself or allowing someone into your space so that you can play with each other you will please each other until, hopefully, your muscles go into small or big spasms and releases all of the tension that was caused by the sexual arousal. It is important to note that orgasm isn’t always the outcome and many sexual encounters have ended with not one person orgasming.
Sex is about pleasure, not about the guarantee of an orgasm.
In the same breath, it is vital that you are not a selfish lover. People with penises, especially, have the privilege of their pleasure being regarded as the most important in any sexual encounter. You are taught this at school and all throughout your life. Hence the reason why so many womxn in hetero relationships fake orgasms after their men have ejaculated because they fear that the man’s ego might be bruised. If you as a person with a penis ejaculate and you can sense that your partner is dissatisfied, do not think that your penis is the only thing that can provide pleasure.
You have fingers and a tongue.
Put it to good use.

An orgasm is also experienced differently by everyone. Some of us might scream in pleasure, others might moan, some might laugh, I have even been in bed with someone who cried.
Some arch their backs, others are dead quiet and you are not quite sure whether they are enjoying it. Always keep communication flowing during sex.
Asking: “Do you like this?” a couple of times during sex is not a turn off. It actually creates a safe space for your partner to say yes, or to redirect you to a position that might be more pleasurable for both (or for however many of you) involved.
The thing about all the orgasms that I have had is that they all were different. Some of them were really intense where I could not move afterwards, not from pain, but from endorphins that were swimming through my body and paralysing me while my body felt like it was floating on a cloud of some sort and I had a light smile plastered on my face for the hours following.
Others were because I was tired, yet could not sleep and had to do something so that my mind would switch off.
Others were quick and right before work and I had no choice but to get up and be active for the day.
Some were major disappointments, and others were hella surprising.
Others took too long and one was not consented to.

The first time I experienced an orgasm that would raise the roof was with my first partner who was a womxn. Prior to her I tolerated cunnilingus, but never truly enjoyed it. I think I was too conscious of my body. My friends would shake their heads in vehement shock when I confessed my ‘meh’ attitude towards it. “Someone ain’t eating you right” and we’d all laugh together.
After I fell truly and utterly in lust with, let’s call her, Luna, I remember going back to her room and she put on the movie Grease. As the song Grease lightening came on she started to go down on me and by the end of that song I was shooting fireworks from the tip of my clitoris. I will forever remember that orgasm as the orgasm that set the standard for the orgasms to come. Pun intended.

That being said. I have been making lots of posts this week about my own body and how I feel in regards to sex, and the notion of virginity, and masturbation and orgasm.
Please, my wish for you is that you figure out, by yourself, what you want, what you like, what you will allow and what you will not allow. Sex is not just about the comfort of your sexual partner, but about the comfort of YOU AND YOUR SEXUAL PARTNER combined.
Communicating about what you like beforehand and what they like beforehand is called respect and If there was no time for communicating beforehand because hormones got in the way, make sure to ask during.
People tend to think that we only moan, groan, grunt, and scream during sex. LIES.
Full on conversations can happen during sex, jokes can be cracked just as hard as a whip can be cracked in the bedroom.

The Myth of Virginity

when I was 19 years old, I fell in love with a man (before I realised that I am not straight) who I told myself would be my happily-ever-after. He was 7 years my senior and had me dripping diamond droplets long before we would exchange our first words, let alone numbers.
I was a 'virgin' at the time I say 'virgin' because I actually wasn't. I might have been a penetrative virgin, but I would realise years later that virginity is a societal construct realised to keep womxn from exploring their sexual freedom, by placing their worth in the amounts of times they were able to refuse sex with a penis before marriage.

You see I have come to realise that virginity is entrenched in homophobia. Two people who love each other dearly, but possess vaginas and decide to have sex does not equate to 'losing' one’s virginity in this society. No, instead it is seen as experimenting and a phase they will soon grow out of because how can one 'lose their virginity' with no penis present? How can one enjoy sex with no penis present? Actually, per society, how does one have sex without a penis present? 
Also, what is this rubbish of 'losing' ones virginity. You don’t lose anything anywhere. 
You merely pass through a natural rite of passage, whether you are married or not.

I thought of my confused high school days, how could it be that being intimate with someone does not constitute having sex for the first time? 
Sex is after all not about penis penetration, but about giving and receiving pleasure.

it was a windy day in April of 2010. I was wearing something ridiculous, because back then I had no style. we were making out and I had previously told him that sex would not be an option, but I was lit and there was no way I was not doing this so I uttered the words: "I am ready." while rolling myself over on his bed.

He didn't have any condoms, so I sent him to the shop. While he was away I started to panic. What have I done? My body was tensing up and although I wasn't scared, I was nervous and all these questions started foaming at the tip of my brain.

What is Jesus going to say when I die? That question was quickly replaced with, what if it hurts? That question was quickly replaced by me looking down at my hands that had started to shake from misplaced energy.
After ten minutes in the room all alone I could hear his key in the gate and my brain told my body to calm down.
We made love to Michael Buble's: "Lost" and since that time I have had an obsession with telling people that virginity is not all it is cracked up to be.

You know what is all it is cracked up to be? 
Listening to your body, to your heart, to your soul and NOT YOUR ILL-INFORMED FRIENDS, googling questions you may have about sex (research), speaking to someone you trust that will not shame you for wanting to have sex or for just wanting to have the answers in case one day you find yourself in the situation where you must decide whether you are ready or not.

You know what is also all it is cracked up to be?
Protection. 
Protecting yourself when having sex is not only something that will keep you safe, but it will save you all the emotional trauma of having to calculate when the last time was that you had sex and when your last period came and whether you are pregnant and whether you can go through with an abortion if it came to that.
You decide when you are ready, you decide when you are willing. You decide with who. Whether it be with your best friend from primary school. The girl you came out to and she came out to you too and you both realise that you are lesbian and that you both want each other or whoever! You decide. 
Not the person who wants to have sex with you. If you need to be played, manipulated against your own judgment, walk away. If you did not walk away and did it due to peer pressure etc, do not feel ashamed. Many of us have gone though that and the guilt is not yours to carry, it is society’s and how they have failed us when it comes to knowing our bodies and our sexual identities and our sexual rights.

If you were raped, then you also did not consent and that does not mean that you are not a virgin or should feel that you need to continue with anything you were never ready for in the first place. 
Seek help if you feel you need it by calling this number for the Rape Crisis Center in Cape town, South Africa: 021 447 9762
You decide when and where and if and how and who.
If you have any other sex-related questions for educational purposes (for yourself) you can inbox Femme - Freedom of Education Motivates Empowerment . This is my non-profit and we provide Feminist Menstrual and Sexual Health Education to those who need it.

Sexually Transmitted Infections - GET TESTED

Do you remember how, at school, the teachers would freak us all out and tell us how Sexually Transmitted Infections would come with horrible symptoms such as burning, mould on your penis, pimples on your vagina, scabs, death and so much more?
Did you know that most people will not show any outright symptoms of having a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI)?
Studies in the US have shown that three quarters of people with vaginas had no obvious symptoms and therefore went through life unaware of being infected with Chlamydia or until they started trying to conceive and realized they were infertile due to this untreated STI. For people with penises the number was half of those who took part in the study.
The state of Sexual Health in SA is dire, and doing these tests annually comes with a price tag many can't afford.
Today I am going for my annual tests to ensure that I know my status, not just for HIV but for a variety of infections sexually active people may have without ever knowing.
For those who cannot afford a full test Triangle Project in Cape Town has a free testing facility for Syphilis and HIV: email the nurse here - carol@triangle.org.za
Marie Stopes has a test called Well Woman that includes testing for Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, HIV, syphilis, pap smear, urine analysis, breast exam for R1800 at their CBD (Cape Town) clinic or for R600 at their clinic in Atlantis. Call their TOLL FREE number here: 0800 117785
Take care of your sexual health, friends.